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CHAPTER 1
I was breathing
erratically, panicking, because of the tight space. I knew that I could shout
out for help, but I didn’t want to appear weak. I was crouched on all fours,
hands and knees, and all four corners of the metal box seemed like they were
closing in on me. It felt cold inside, but sweat dripped down my face from my
scalp. I could hear my heartbeat loudly and I couldn’t stop my rapid breathing.
Great! Should I scream? I feel like I’m going to faint.
Then
the shouts died down, and I heard nothing. This was my cue to lift my hands
above my head and push the top of the box open. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t move
my hands. What’s going on? Calm down,
calm down, I chanted inwardly.
I
tried to lift my right hand up, but it didn’t budge. It felt weighted, as
though my shoulder had turned into clay, weighing my hands down. I also tried
to lift up my left hand, same thing. Then I started to panic much more than I already
had. Oh god, should I scream?
My
vision began to blur, and there were tiny specks of light on both sides of my
eyes. Just as I was about to scream, I heard knocks on the top of the box.
“Emma!”
I
thought I responded, but I didn’t hear myself speak out.
When
the voice calling, “Emma” became louder and more frantic, I knew I hadn’t
responded.
Light
burst into the box and strong arms grabbed my waist and lifted me up. I was
still crouched on all fours when I was placed on the floor. I lowered myself
and sat down slowly, drawing my knees up to my chest, and placing my head on
them. My breathing didn’t ease up, in and out, I wheezed. The sweat on my body
had turned cold, making me shiver slightly. I blinked rapidly and my vision was
beginning to clear.
“Emma,
are you all right?”
Cool
hands raised up my chin. I had to squint as I looked at three pairs of curious,
startled eyes.
I
nodded yes.
“What
happened in there?” Jose Nato asked. The usually unfriendly face looking more
furious. “You were supposed to push open the lid of the box and jump out when
they ran past the box. You’ve done it the right way before.” He said,
disappointingly.
“I
don’t know what happened,” I said, in my tiny pathetic voice, looking anywhere
but his eyes.
“Hey,
hey, it’s okay,” Brian said, taking the spot in front of Jose Nato and squatting
in front of me. He lifted up my face and wiped my perspiring forehead with a
wet cloth.
Oh goodie! If Brian is being tender, then I
definitely look like a helpless wet rat.
“I’m
fine,” I said, as I swatted away the cloth he was using to wipe my face.
“Okay,
okay,” he said, lifting up his hands in mock surrender and straightening up.
There was a small part of me that felt bad for refusing Brian’s help, but I
wanted everyone to see that I was fine and leave me alone. I was embarrassed
and no matter how hard I tried to will the ground to open and swallow me, it
didn’t happen.
As
I tried to stand up, my joints were stiff and wouldn’t do their damn jobs. As
if I weren’t humiliated enough, my stupid legs were trying to make me a
laughing stock. Then I heard Anna, the lovely producer with the bowl haircut,
say to everyone,
“Give
her air, please give her air. She needs a minute. She’s just been in a small
box the size of a cat litter and this girl is super-model tall.”
I
sighed thankfully and started to relax the minute the crowd dispersed. I heard
Jose Nato mumble to her that we didn’t have all day, and I needed to pull it
together asap.
I
rolled my eyes. Did he think that I’d done that on purpose?
“Are
you okay, sweetie?” Anna whispered in my ears, filling my nose with the scent
of coffee.
“My
legs are cramping,” I confided, eyeing my knobbly-looking knees.
She
bent in front of me and took my legs, one after the other, straightening them
carefully. I winced and she stopped. I nodded, and she continued until both
legs were lined up straight on the floor. She got up and gave me her hands.
“You’re
going to try to stand carefully, okay?”
“Okay,”
I answered.
I
took her stubby hands and stood up slowly, making sure not to pull her down
with me. Anna was a small plump lady, and I had a feeling that if I put any more
strength into my pull, she would topple over me. That would at least lighten up
everyone’s mood.
I
got up successfully and smiled brightly at her even though I was a little bit
hunched.
“Thanks,
Anna.”
“Anytime,
sweetie. Now, let’s get you to wardrobe so we can apply some hot balm on your
joints because I have a feeling that you will have to redo the whole scene
again.”
I
groaned because she was right. We were technically done with filming, but had
to come back to reshoot some scenes. Jose Nato, the director, was a
perfectionist and there was no way he was going to overlook my flop.
As
I walked slowly with Anna, I covertly looked around the set. Everyone seemed to
be doing their thing, but I didn’t fail to notice Jose Nato’s tight lips, which
only meant one thing, I’d better hurry my ass up and return to repeat the scene
or else…
CHAPTER 2
My window blinds
were open when I dragged myself to bed at 4:00 a.m. I had reshot a few scenes
for my upcoming movie, Façade. I got to
my apartment around 3:50 a.m., sluggishly threw off my sandals, and fell on my
bed. I winced a little bit because of my painful joints, but felt too sleepy to
care.
When
I opened my eyes, there was sunlight streaming into my bedroom. I needed to
close my window blinds if I wanted to get more sleep, but the will to get up
and do it was hard.
Urgh!
I
stood up sleepily as I made my way to the window. The smell of fresh paint
tickled my nose and caused me to sneeze loudly. I’d moved into my apartment
three weeks ago. When I took the apartment, I’d planned to change the color of
the bedroom wall before moving in. Then I changed my mind because I didn’t have
time and had to move in.
One week after the
move, I changed my mind again. The green color on the wall looked like vomit,
and every time I entered my bedroom, I felt the urge to puke. If I wanted to
enjoy my bedroom, then I needed to repaint it. But I couldn’t decide on the
color I wanted it to be. So I’d stopped by a paint store and gotten samples of
different colors that were much better than the vomit green now on the wall. I
painted the samples side by side on the wall, and was disappointed in myself because
I was indecisive. The good thing was that I liked them all. So I decided to
pick a color with the help of the counting rhyme, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch
a tiger by the toe…
I
finally painted my bedroom three days ago, donning my new coveralls, hat, and
goggles. I looked every bit the DIY master as I listened to instructions from online
videos, making sure that the canvas on the floor protected my carpet from paint
spills and splatters. Then I hummed along to music from an online music
streaming list as I brushed, up and down. Slow, solemn, a little dark, the
music fit my mood. My bedroom wall is now maroon and I love it.
I
moved out of my Los Angeles-based auntie’s house. Yes, I’m talking about Valerie.
She was a wonderful host. I still miss her company after all this time in my
own apartment. I miss her grunts when she did her video exercises, and her
constant explanation on why every woman should always exercise. I miss her
cooking, even if there was nothing particularly great about it. Most of all, I
miss the routine we’d formed before I got my acting job. Hearing her leave for
work early in the morning, and my waking up to things labeled in the
refrigerator for my consumption, was the best thing ever.
“We women have
to help each other tame our fats. Men don’t suffer like we do,” she would say.
Fat? Yeah right. For her age, she was one of the
fittest women I knew. I smiled whenever she tried to tie her long hair in a
bun, not quite getting the bun in the middle, and always giving up after her
third try.
I had to do
something about my accommodation because she’d endured the ungodly hours I kept
during filming days. When my movie location was in Los Angeles, I drove back to
her house most times after shooting, even though I had a trailer where I could
stay overnight. I needed someone familiar to be around after movie scenes that
reminded me of Adam, because she could help me take my mind off things more
easily. When Valerie sensed the cloud around me, she would remind me that she
was available to listen, no matter the time of the day or night, even though I
wasn’t ready to talk. She would advise me to call my mom if I felt more comfortable
talking to her instead. That, I didn’t do. Valerie didn’t know that it wasn’t
about her. I wasn’t just in a place to relive that night. Going back to that time
would kill me. Besides, emotional phone conversations weren’t as effective as
talking directly to somebody, so that was my excuse for not calling and talking
to my mom about it.
After
filming for four months due to many schedule interruptions, I finally had the
time to hunt for an apartment in Los Angeles. One of my co-stars, Brian, introduced
me to one of the best realtors in the city. Gena Extraordinaire was the name
she was known for, because of the number of successful closings she had under
her career-belt. She found me one of the best-looking and coziest apartments
one could find for a reasonable price just outside the suburbs, and I couldn’t
be happier.
I
liked this apartment complex because it was close to necessities like grocery
stores, library, banks, but more importantly, not too far from Adam’s house. No, I haven’t let him go and am not sure
when that will happen.
-----
Two cars, one
blue Ford Ram truck and a gray Dodge Charger, were parked on the wide driveway.
When I was here last week, there was only a Harley Davison bike parked outside.
Don, Adam’s cousin who was raised by Adam’s parents, had said that the Sorano
kids’ uncle was visiting. Now I wondered who these cars belonged to, because I
was only aware of the three Audi vehicles owned by Mr. and Mrs. Sorano, which
always made their driveway look like a mini car dealership.
I
pressed the doorbell and almost immediately, like he had been standing behind
the door, Don opened it. With a big smile showing his pearly whites, he opened
his large arms for an embrace and gave me a bear hug.
“Emma,
how are you?”
“I’m
good, you?” I answered, still in his embrace.
“Very
good, thanks.”
He
looked happier than usual, and more importantly, he was wearing a clash of
bright colors; yellow Polo shirt and light blue shorts with different colored
zig zag patterns. And just before I could ask the reason why he was as bright as
the weather, he beckoned me to come in. His friends were visiting.
“Oh, cool,” I
said to him. Makes total sense.
We walked to the
foyer that smelled like lavender, curtsied of Mrs. Sorano, and then toward the
mini living room, or Don’s former lair, which made sense in my head to name it
that way. The TV in there always had a sports channel playing, even when Don wasn’t
watching it. And it wasn’t different today, because I could hear something it.
He turned to me,
his face turning sympathetic. “Do you want to go in there first, and then meet
up later with us on the patio? He asked.
I
thought about his question. Would I be feeling okay afterward? But then, I
didn’t want to go and socialize first before seeing the painting.
I sighed. “I
think that’s a good idea.”
“Okay,”
he nodded.
“The
Soranos are home?” I asked.
“No,
they went on a trip to San Fran.”
“Hmm,”
I nodded. “I’ll see you all when I’m done,” I said with small smile, as though
I was going to work on a project.
“Take
your time,” he said, squeezing my hands slightly before walking toward the
patio, where I could hear laughter when he opened the sliding glass doors.
I
took in a deep breath, clutching my stomach as I turned toward the mini living
room. I opened the door, closed it behind me and walked slowly past the sitting
area. Then I scanned the room with my eyes for the TV remote control. It was on
the side table by the loveseat. Why
didn’t I just look there in the first place? The remote control is always
there.
I turned off the
TV and walked slowly to the brick fireplace. There it was, the massive painting
of Adam as a baby. I exhaled loudly and as I stared at it, I retreated to a
place in my mind that I’d slowly built after I moved into my apartment. It was
my safe place; a place in which Adam still existed, and to me it was real.
I
took in those warm amber eyes of his and smiled widely. The peace I felt in
that moment was next to none. I sat down slowly on the couch that faced the
painting and just looked at it, reminiscing about my time with him, albeit too
short. I threw away that thought immediately. No, he’s still here, I said to
myself. I closed my eyes tightly and when I believed it, I smiled and let my
thoughts flow.
I
thought of the way he’d cocked his head to the side when he listened intently
to me. I thought of his crooked smile; he did smile a lot. I thought of how he’d
squinted before he said something important. I thought of how he’d always
rolled the sleeves of his dress shirts to his elbows because he just couldn’t
seem to wear them long. I thought of his stance and stature. I thought of his
big hands. I thought of his generous attitude. I thought of his unusual eye
color. Gosh, he was handsome.
I
caught myself thinking of him in past tense and bit my lips hard in regret.
Just as I tasted blood I released it. I didn’t feel a thing. It’s been hard
keeping my mindset in check. Some days I’m good at hanging out with Adam,
telling him things that I wanted him to know. Other days, I don’t feel him
close, and then my thoughts become recalls and reminiscences. I have the
beginnings of anxiety when I realize that I’m reminiscing about him instead of
bringing him to the present with me. It’s like a betrayal of him. It sounds lame, or maybe disturbing, but
that’s how I feel. He’s the reason why I looked past my insecurities and
followed my dreams. He’s the reason why I’m pushing hard to keep doing better
as an actress. Shouldn’t he be here with me along the journey?
I kept staring
at the painting. It was therapeutic. Looking into his eyes brought him to me.
Not baby Adam, of course, but my Adam, the way I knew him. I smiled, joyous as
those eyes smiled back at me, and with me.
When
I moved into my apartment, I had paid a visit to Adam’s house because I was
wondering what had happened to it. I knew I could ask Adam’s mom, Diana, or his
cousin, Phil, but I still couldn’t talk to them without causing them to cry. I
always felt guilty afterward for doing that to them.
As
I drove toward the massive white-stone house, I thought it looked more
inhabited than the first time I ever saw it. There were two cars parked on the
driveway. Don had opened the door and looked excited to see me. He had said I looked
great and I was happy to hear that. He also looked good, but slightly thinner
than he used to be and had sad lines around his mouth that weren’t there the
first time we met. To me, Don had a baby face on a man’s body. This time his
face looked like it belonged on his body. I guess it was a good thing, but it
was sad to think that it had resulted from a tragedy.
The house looked
and smelled differently from the first time I visited. Adam’s game, which had involved
my travelling from Massachusetts to California, had brought me to the house. The
foyer now had potted plants that I didn’t remember seeing there. I didn’t know
what kind of plants they were, but they looked beautifully arranged and
healthy. Although I didn’t remember much from my first visit, I noticed that
the house seemed fuller this time. There was more furniture for one thing.
Also, decorative statues seemed to be in all the corners of the house. Then I walked
into the large living room, looked up in anticipation, and to my horror, noticed
it was gone. The painting was gone.
Don saw the
panic on my face, and looked at where my eyes were focused. With a small smile
tinged with regret, he said,
“The
house is now rented by a new family, Miss.”
“Oh,”
my heart dropped.
“But,”
he said quickly as he saw my face twist in anguish, “they didn’t get rid of the
painting. It’s in the smaller living room.”
I
became energized instantly, and felt my heart rate quicken in excitement. I
began to walk toward the mini living room and stopped on my tracks. “Will they
let me?” I asked Don.
“Umm,
of course, but let me inform Mrs. Sorano.”
So
I waited for him, as I hoped and prayed that the new tenants would be okay with
my being in their house. It was an odd thing to walk into a place uninvited to
look at a painting. I took in the unfamiliarity of a place that I’d only known
for a short time. It was a beautiful house. The furnishings didn’t have a theme
to them, per se, but the selections spoke of wealth. Who decorated their living room with so many statues? The statues,
which were of people with irregular shapes, were made of different materials.
There was marble, clay, metal, and even wood. The place looked like a
less-cluttered museum with an earthy feel to it.
As
I continued to admire the content of the house from where I stood, an
elegant-looking lady, with the most jewelry I’d ever seen on a person staying
at home, came down the large stairs, smiling. She was a beautiful woman and
acted every bit like she knew it. Her dress hugged her in the right places like
it was sewn on her. Her face was friendly as she stared at me, but her features
were sharp. She had cat-like eyes that may have been enhanced by her makeup, a pointy
nose, and a wide mouth dressed in a dark-red shade lipstick. Her hair was so
dark and thick that it looked like shiny satin fabric as the sunrays came in
through the huge windows reflected on it.
“Hi,”
she said, stretching out her perfectly-manicured hands and smiling sweetly.
“I’m Mrs. Lovina Sorano.” There was a strong perfume scent that accompanied
her. I couldn’t imagine what blend, but I could tell it was expensive.
I
shook her hands and cringed inwardly at my neglected-looking fingernails. “Emma
Kaz,” I responded, taking away my hands quickly and hiding them behind my back.
“It
is nice to meet you, Emma. Don tells me you like that painting and would love
to look at it.”
“Yes,
yes,” I stuttered, faltering in my composure because I didn’t know if she was a
nice person, smiley or not.
“She
used to know the owner of the house,” Don explained.
“Oh,”
Mrs. Sorano nodded in understanding. “It’s not a problem. You are welcome to look
at it anytime.”
“Thank
you,” I said earnestly to her.
She
turned, and started to walk away, looking as though she was cat-walking on a
runway in a fashion show. “I’ll be upstairs trying to get the kids to do their
homework, twin boys, seven-year olds,” she said.
My
eyebrows shot up and I couldn’t help smiling. “Oh, okay.” Homework and she’s dressed like that? Wow!
Before
Mrs. Sorano got to the stairs, Don said,
“Er, Mrs.
Sorano, Emma is actually an actress and filming a big movie right now.”
“Really?” she
stopped on the first step as her eyes bulged at me.
I nodded.
“So a celebrity
is visiting. Ramon is going to be thrilled.”
I suppressed a
feeling of uneasiness when she used the word ‘celebrity.’ I may be getting popular,
but that word designated people that other people wished to be like. I didn’t
fit in that category. “No, no,” I’m not a celebrity, I protested shyly.
“Don’t be modest,”
she responded as she walked back toward me. “Can you stay a bit afterwards and
say hi to my husband, Ramon? He should be back within the hour.”
I nodded in
assent. After all, she’d accepted me into her home. The least I could do was agree
to her offer, and I imagined that if I was in her good graces, I would be
allowed to visit again.
“Thank you. I
will call him and let him know you’re here.”
“Okay. I’ll be in
there,” I pointed to the mini living room.
“Sure,” she
said, as she made her way upstairs.
“Thanks, Don,” I
smiled.
Don chuckled.
“Sorry for putting you on the spot there, Miss.”
“No worries.
She’s nice, and please call me Emma.” The “Miss” thing made me feel like a
middle-aged elementary school teacher.
“Okay,” he
nodded. “See you later,” he said, his voice softening.
I nodded and
walked toward the door of the mini living room, staring at the doorknob. I could
hear the TV on. I turned to Don to ask if anyone was in there.
“No one is in
there,” he answered before I asked.
“Thanks,” I
mouthed. I slowly opened the door and shut it behind me. When I turned around,
I saw it immediately, and then his eyes. I walked closer to it and before I
could reach it, my legs gave out and I crumpled to the floor. The muscles on my
neck started constricting as though someone was choking me, and I quickly
realized that I was having a hard time breathing. So I opened my mouth to let
air in and shot my eyes tightly because I had started to see double. Right
where I was sprawled on the rug, I turned to my side and lay down, tucking
myself inwardly with my eyes still shut tightly.
There’s a
specific feeling a person has when they’re on the brink of crying. I had that
feeling, but that was where it ended. I didn’t get to the part where the tears
spilled over. I just got to the peppery nose part that made me scrunch my nose
uncomfortably. It was when my breathing leveled normally and my eyes were still
shut, and I was still lying down on the floor of the quiet mini living room,
that I saw him for the first time since he’d died.
I’d looked at
some photos of Adam once after he died and I haven’t brought myself to do it
again. I’d looked at them on a day when I’d come home from work upset and
guilty, because I had had a good time acting a romance scene on set. Every shot
flowed so perfectly that for the first time, I’d seen a smile on our director’s
face. The choreographers for that scene knew what they were doing, which made
us actors look good. Our face placements, limb placements, tangles and turns had
worked nicely after a few practices. I credited my costar, Reddy, for his
skills. He seemed to know the right things to do, which made me wonder about
his girlfriend for a minute. Overall, it was a good shooting day. I had come
home with that sense of elation when suddenly it hit me that throughout the
day, I’d had no thought of Adam. I suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of
guilt pour over me. In an unexplainable panic, I fetched my old phone and
started to scroll down memory lane. That turned out to be a bad idea. When I
realized that I was treating him like a memory, I stopped looking at the
photos. Focusing on the photos and their particular memories, made it clear
that he wasn’t with me. But he is with me.
So I got rid of the phone and began to talk to him instead.
Even nine months
after his death, with distractions from family, close friends, online friends,
and costars, my emotions were still ripe like it was just yesterday that it had
happened. But Adam still had a way of sneaking up on me. Sometimes it was as
random as someone pronouncing my name like he used to do, or squinting just
like he had.
One Saturday
evening, I had gone to buy some groceries and was ready to check out. I stood
behind someone who had the same buzz cut that Adam used to wear. In fact, this
person was built just like him, and dressed just like him. The only thing that
gave him away as I stood open-mouthed in shock, was the fact that he scratched
the back of his head with his left hand and I saw a wedding band. When the man
started to remove his items from his cart, I saw the side of his face and was a
hundred percent sure then that he wasn’t Adam. My whole body still shook even
after I left the grocery store. I was sure the store clerk thought I was on
drugs.
Now I just sat
on one of the couches, staring at the painting of baby Adam. My thoughts were
hollow and my eyes felt heavy. I shook my head in disbelief; how unfair it was
that someone could be here one second and gone the next. I kept gazing at the
painting and it hit me that this was a good way to talk to him. When I looked
into those eyes, I could easily have a conversation with him. My hands
automatically fetched the necklace pendant he gave me. I rubbed on it for a
minute and put it back hidden underneath my shirt. I reveled in my discovery and
made plans in my head to visit here often. I wouldn’t make it an everyday thing
because it would become creepy. Maybe twice a week, or weekly, weekly sounded
great. I wasn’t sure of how long I had sat there, because I heard a car pull up
on the driveway, and that was what it took to plaster a smile on my face, get
up from the couch, and leave the mini living room.
-----
I exhaled again
as I nodded to myself. I was beginning to be able to put on a happy front even
though my insides where grainy and hollow. It wouldn’t be okay if I showed
everything I felt on the outside. I could hear my mother asking if I needed a
therapist. The answer was no. A therapist would poke and prod and prefer me to
speak with her instead of Adam, so I guess that was out of the question. I took
a last look at his warm eyes and his slant smile before making my way to the door.
I held the door handle for a moment and breathed. I was ready to meet Don’s
friends.
I opened the
sliding door and walked out to the back patio and saw two people wearing black
outfits in the hot California sun. Don stood up and approached me, looking red
with excitement and laughter.
“Come and meet
my friends, Emma,” he took my hand. I followed him, like a small child holding
the larger hand of her big brother.
The girl stood
up when I got closer to her. “Hi, I’m Vivi,” she smiled, showing unnaturally
white teeth that almost blinded me as sunlight reflected on them. She’d
murmured, but I think I heard her say Vivi.
I squinted and
smiled too. “Emma Kaz, nice to meet you.”
Then I perceived
hot leather, which smelled like oil a bit, as the man stretched his hand toward
me. We shook hands as he introduced himself as Dune.
“Nice name,” I
said to him, after introducing myself.
Although they
were seated underneath a patio umbrella, I still thought he should have removed
his leather jacket. He looked so red that I was sure it wasn’t all the bliss of
hanging out with his friends that caused it. I prayed silently that he wouldn’t
suffer from heat stroke.
I sat down on
the empty chair that Don pointed to.
“Lemonade?” he
asked, picking up a pitcher and an empty glass.
I nodded.
“Thanks.”
I took a sip of
my cool drink and looked at Vivi and Dune over the rim of my glass.
Vivi had a voice
that didn’t fit her appearance at all. In her black getup, dark hair, tanned
skin, and tattoos on both wrists, the last thing I expected was a light
singsong voice. In fact, I almost spilled my lemonade, thinking there was
someone else that had just shown up. They noticed and laughed. I looked down in
embarrassment.
“I know, I
know,” she said. “I get that a lot. People almost always expect me to have a
deep or raspy voice. Sorry to disappoint you.”
“No, not at
all,” I said, smiling. “It’s a good surprise.”
“Yeah, and I
don’t drink or smoke, even though I look like it on the outside.”
Dune chuckled
and said, “It’s the inside that matters.” Vivi rolled her eyes.
“So, Emma,
you’re a movie star huh?” Dune winked.
“Umm, not
really, this is my first movie ever.”
“It doesn’t
matter. Jose Nato is the director, so you know what that means. And I saw the
cover of Teen Vogue, don’t ask.”
Yeah, I was
gonna ask. Dune looked like someone who would be reading Men’s Health Magazine
with his bulgy muscles that threatened to rip through his leather jacket. He
was a big guy just like Don was, but the difference was where Don was soft,
Dune was hard. And Don had an approachable face for someone around the age of thirty.
Dune had a scary demeanor, but if you looked past it, you noticed that it was
just a front to cover his likeable personality.
“I’m sorry, I
can’t ignore that. What were you doing buying Teen Vogue?” I asked, feigning
seriousness.
Vivi giggled. Don
laughed aloud.
Dune got redder,
which I didn’t think possible, considering he was already red. “My daughter.
She’s into that Indian boy.”
“Oh, okay, phew!
You’re off the hook,” I said with mock relief.
“Thank you,
thank you,” he said, wiping invisible sweat from his forehead. “But on a
serious note,” he said, “congratulations. I’ve heard the rumor that you’re so
good it’s like the role was meant for you; that nobody could have played it
better.”
“Thanks,” I
said. “But isn’t that kind of weird that they would say I’m really good in that
role?”
“Yeah, well, you
sure did something right,” Vivi said.
“I guess your
acting was very convincing,” Dune added.
I became
embarrassed and looked at my feet.
Don cleared his
throat.
I raised my eyes
to see all of them smiling at me. “Okay, I guess I took it too far during my
audition, but I didn’t dance, and no, I’m not going to say more. You’ll just
have to wait and see the movie.”
“Aww, come on,
don’t be a sour patch,” Dune said.
I laughed really
hard because I hadn’t ever heard anyone use that phrase like that before. “Sour
patch, huh? Don’t worry Dune. The recording of my audition is going to come out
one day, but until then, you will just have to be patient.”
Dune shook his
head. “Such a tease,” he said. “I feel sorry for your co-stars.”
“Why is that?” I
asked, amused.
“You know,
you’re really beautiful, and I’m sure you make it hard on them. The photo on
the magazine, “phew,” he whistled, “with you in the middle and both of them
looking cross-eyed at you, that was something.”
I laughed,
shaking my head.
“Don’t believe
everything you read,” Vivi said. “Reddy has a girlfriend and Brian is bad
news.”
I widened my
eyes, surprised.
“What?” You guys
have been in the news for months now. With you and your, you know,” she looked
down, shifting uncomfortably.
I completed the
sentence for her as I gestured to my whole body, while locking away the early
signs of an emotion that threatened to rare its ugly head. “My unique features.”
“Yes, that. And
the fight with Preeti Ko.”
“We never fought,”
I said, swallowing and silently commending myself that my voice didn’t waver.
“Well, that was
the big news. Apparently, you stole Reddy from her.”
“Urgh!” I
exclaimed irritatingly.
“And then, Brian
and the way he changes girls like his boxers.”
I couldn’t hold
back laughter. Vivi looked like she was in her late twenties and I shouldn’t
have been surprised that she read news like that. Of course she would know of
the Hollywood ‘Younguns.’ Yeah, that’s what they called us now.
The fight rumor started
when I’d had a make out scene with Reddy. Preeti visited the set that day. If I
remember correctly, I’d only gotten cold shoulders from her. She’d pretended
not to hear me when I said hi to her. That was all. If there was a fight, it
was in Reddy’s trailer. We all heard their spat because they were loud and
things were banging everywhere. No pun intended. So I was not sure why that
rumor claimed that Preeti and I were pulling out hairs in the studio parking
lot.
“I’m so happy
for you. It’s like you just came from outer space and your movie isn’t out yet,
but you’re so popular,” Don praised.
“Thanks, Don.
Like Dune said, we have an amazing director.”
“Adam would be
proud,” he added.
And just like
that, my nose started to burn and my throat turned dry. I swallowed hard. I
couldn’t break my wall in front of these people. I felt the cold heart-shaped
pendant in its place, underneath my shirt. I wanted to touch it, but thought
better of it and left my hands on my thighs. The last thing I wanted was to
tell them anything about the necklace.
I nodded and
whispered, “thank you.” I guessed Vivi and Dune already knew about Adam because
of their solemn expressions. A news outlet did a segment on, “who is Emma Kaz?”
and I’d been glad that their research wasn’t thorough. They’d posted a photo of
me that terrified me. I remember when I saw it I’d thought I looked dead. It had
been one of the days after Adam’s death. The news outlet didn’t mention his
death, thank goodness. I’d wondered if it was an oversight or just for curtesy’s
sake. I would never know, but I was glad.
Soon after, that
same news outlet became a spear that jabbed at my heart after the rumor with
Reddy. “Oh wow, she moved on quickly from her former beau,” was the new news.
Vivi got up and
embraced me. I sniffled, but I didn’t cry out. I would not do that. So I smiled
and they all smiled too.
I cleared my
throat and changed the topic. “So I failed to ask. How do you guys know each
other?”
“Remember when I
said that Diana took me in after my parents passed away?” Don asked.
“Yeah,” I
responded.
“Well, before that
was settled, I was in foster care.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, and that’s
where I met Vivi and Dune. They were nice to the big baby,” he laughed.
“Come on, you
weren’t being a baby. Your parents had just died in an accident. I’d cry all
the time too,” she said in her singsong voice.
“Yeah, we didn’t
know our parents,” Dune said, clearing his throat. “We didn’t have images or
memories to cry for, only that we knew adoption was going to be impossible for
us.”
I sat quietly,
looking at these three people, realizing that they had gone through such difficulties
in their childhood and if they didn’t mention them, no one would ever know. They
were inspiring.
“Okay, let’s
stop before Emma starts to cry,” Dune said.
“Whatever,” I
croaked.
Vivi stood up,
stretching, as some of her joints made audible pop sounds. “I gotta go to work
fellas,” she said.
“Where do you
work?” I asked, trying to shield my eyes from the sunrays that Vivi had been
blocking when she was sitting across from me, which now bothered my vision as
she stood.
“I manage The Luscious bar. You should come some
time.”
“Cool! I know The Luscious, but I’m afraid that my age…”
“Oops! Disregard
my invite,” she said with a big smile. “While we would love to have a celebrity
in our bar, an underage one might not be a good idea.”
There, is that word again, ‘celebrity.’
Dune chuckled. I
had an exaggerated frown on my face to act distraught about being unable to go
to the bar. “Soon, Vivi, soon,” I said.
“Can’t wait,”
she said, picking up her purse.
“I think I
should be heading out, too,” Dune said, standing up.
It also seemed
like a good time for me to leave. I got up and finished my drink.
“Aww,” Don said,
“you all tired of me already?”
“Got to pick up
the little one from school.”
“Ah, true. Give
her a kiss for me,” said Don.
“My daughter,
Didi,” Dune clarified when he saw my puzzled look.
“Ohh.” The photo
in Dune’s wallet of his daughter was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. She had
the widest gap tooth I’ve seen on a kid, but her grin won me over. Her nose was
scrunched up as she laughed at something that wasn’t shown in the photo. She
had beautiful red hair, a contrast from her dad’s brown hair. They had the same
nose and low sad eyebrow shape. Nothing was remotely sad about the photo
though.
“She’s a cutie,”
I gushed.
“Thank you,” he
grinned. “She’s my expensive princess. This was her at five years old. Now
she’s seven. She knows that daddy can never say no to her so she demands and
demands until daddy’s pockets dry up.”
We all laughed
and went into the house, making our way to the front door as we chatted. When
we all came out and stood in the driveway, I had a spooky feeling that I was being
watched. I looked around me. It was weird because the shrubs around the house
were sparse. It would be difficult for someone to hide in them without being
spotted. I looked around again, just in case.
“You okay?” Don
asked me, also looking around.
I nodded and
smiled.
We all hugged
each other and went to our respective cars. “See you sometime,” Vivi called out
to me, as she got into her Charger.
“You, too,” I
responded.
“Bye, Dune. Bye,
Don,” I said to the guys as I got into my Honda. Dune was still conversing with
Don, leaning on his truck. They waved.
I drove behind
Vivi and waved to her before we took different intersections. I have to call mom.
CHAPTER 3
I looked at my
rare-view mirror and recognized the white van that was behind me. It had to be
the same van because it had the same red sticker on the windshield. I’d seen
that van at least six times since I moved into my apartment, parked twice, and
in motion four times. But the windows were tinted, making it hard for me to see
the driver. Yes, I may have grown
paranoid since I moved to LA, but it’s no coincidence that I have seen this van
so many times. I made up my mind that if I saw it again, I would copy the
plate number and have my manager check it out. I might need that bodyguard
after all.
Cindy, my
manager, has been joking that she would hire a bodyguard for me because of some
interesting threats that I’ve been
getting since I started filming Façade.
I didn’t think I needed a bodyguard when I was with my co-stars because theirs
seemed more than enough for all of us. Some angry fans, who thought they cast
the wrong person for Cora, the character I play, were making all sorts of threats
and throwing bad comments my way. The fans had their favorite choice of
actresses for the role and were very angry when they found out that I’d gotten
the part, a nobody, with a disability,
playing the lead role. I’d told Cindy that having a bodyguard was going to draw
attention, which I didn’t need. I was wrong. I already drew attention to myself
by being in this movie.
I pulled into
the parking lot at my apartment complex. The only person around was a man with
silver hair, who was bringing out boxes from the trunk of his car. He gave me a
tight smile as I walked past him. I returned the same smile to him and hurried
into the elevator, pressing the button for the third floor.
I sighed in
relief and threw my purse on the sofa as I got into the living room. I walked
back to the little entryway, which held a standing mirror between the coat closet
and the door. I’d mounted the mirror there on purpose when I moved into the
apartment. I’d picked up a habit from the time I’d lived with Valerie, where
she would look at her mirror, say something positive to herself before leaving
the house. I didn’t do the same thing though. I just looked at the mirror and tried
my best to remind myself of why I should feel confident in the reflection that
looked back at me. I often quoted the words in the frame that Adam had liked in
my bedroom when I lived in Massachusetts. He wrote that same quote in his last
letter to me, and I still held onto those words dearly.
I looked at my
ever-wild curls and didn’t bother patting them down like I usually do. My eyes
looked heavy, but there was no way I was going to give in to sleep this early
in the evening. I guess I agree with my
mom. I’ve lost some weight. My mom called me last week, frantic about the
photos she’d seen of me in one of those annoying gossip magazines.
“Are you
starving, Emma, are you okay?” she’d asked in an unusually high pitched voice.
“Whoa, Mom! Calm down. I’ve got food everywhere.”
“Whoa, Mom! Calm down. I’ve got food everywhere.”
“That doesn’t
mean you’re eating,” she retorted.
“I’m eating,
Mom,” I answered. “Why are you asking me about food?”
“I saw a photo
of you and they think the pressure of Hollywood is getting to you.”
“Mom, I’m
already slim. I’m not pressured in any way.”
“Well, the photo
says otherwise. Maybe you should move back with Valerie.”
“Mom, I’m good. Don’t
worry, I’ll make sure I eat a lot and then that gossip magazine will publicize
my weight gain for you.”
She was silent.
“It’s not funny, Emma.” She said quietly.
I sighed. “I’m
eating, Mom. I’ve just been very busy with the move. I’ll make sure I don’t
skip my meals again.”
“Emma,” she
paused. “Don’t be mad that I’m concerned. I think you need to slow down a bit.
Finish up with this movie and then take a break.”
“Er,” but she
interrupted before I continued talking.
“Losing Adam was
not easy on you and…”
I staggered to
the sofa because suddenly I began to feel woozy.
“Every time I
talk to you or see a photo of you, it seems like you’re far away.”
“Mom….”
“Listen, Emma.
Losing someone like that is the worst thing that could have happened to you and
jumping into work immediately is not the best way to deal with it.”
“Mom, I didn’t
jump into…”
She interrupted
again and I exhaled, trying to compose myself long enough until the call ended.
She was getting close to peeling off the layer I had covered myself with and I
couldn’t let that happen.
“I think you
jumped into work too quickly even though your dad doesn’t think so. But you
didn’t even grieve properly,” she said as her voice shook.
Okay, that’s it.
“Mom, I have made my peace with the whole thing. I don’t have to cry all the
time for you to know that I am dealing with it.”
“The whole
thing,” she said.
“What?” I asked.
“You said you’ve
made your peace with ‘the whole thing.”
I was silent.
“Call it what it
is, Emma. I want to hear you call it what it is.”
This time, I
couldn’t control my shaking body. I wasn’t angry, just fearful that I would
lose it. This was not the right time to lose it. I needed to be sane in
Hollywood. I needed to be focused. And then I did the one thing I knew I could
do very well, acting.
“Mom, I have
another call. I’ll make sure I eat something. I have to go.”
She sighed.
“I’ll talk to you later. Call me any time.”
“Yes, Mom,
thanks.”
I hung up and
stayed stunned on the sofa for a while. I thought of nothing and of no one. My
mind swirled uncontrollably and I felt light-headed. After a while, it was the
urge to pee that roused me up and afterwards, I went to bed.
Today, I
remembered that conversation, as I knew that I was due to call my mom. As I stared
at my image in the mirror, I touched my clavicles, which were jutted out more than
they usually were. I looked at myself from head to toe. I looked taller than I’d
realized. The last time I checked my height I was five feet, ten inches. I said
a silent prayer in the hopes that I hadn’t grown any taller. And then I grinned
almost immediately as I quoted, “All I see is treasure because treasure you are
to me,” my Adam quote. I bet you like
that I remember this one.
My smile
faltered, but then I forced it back on. As tempting as it was to hide my jagged
teeth, Adam was right, and I would embrace every bit of what I was looking at. I
had to. At a time when it seemed like people out there were criticizing my
acting skills, even before seeing the movie, I had to try to be confident. I
had to be confident in myself, knowing that I was doing my best and I was doing
a great job.
I fished out the
heart-shaped pendant that I hid underneath my shirt and my mind traveled for an
instant to the day Adam gave it to me. I swallowed my emotions and sighed,
while I returned the pendant to its hiding place. Although the chain was
visible, I preferred to hide the pendant because I didn’t want to be asked
questions about it. It was a special gift with a loving inscription on it. The
last thing I wanted was for the media to look for something to lie about.
Don looked great today and his friends were nice. I
hope you’re doing well. I…I miss you. I know you don’t want me to say it, but I
do. I wonder if you suspected that something bad was going to happen to you, and
so you urged me to take acting seriously. I swear that if I still worked at
Altman’s Café, making shakes, there’s no way I would have continued living. Of
course you would say something like, ‘You were born to live life, Emma, live
life!’ That’s so you, Adam. Work is great. I get to laugh, cry, dance, kiss, I
get to do things that I don’t want to do without you. At least I’m living life,
right?
I jumped when my
phone started ringing. I looked at the screen as I slumped clumsily on the sofa,
then I answered.
“Emma?”
“Hello, Mom.”
“How are you,
dear?”
“I’m good. You?”
“Good. Just
checking on the sweet potato casserole in the oven.”
Nice attempt on
the food topic, mom, I thought. I thought of the best response. “Mom, stop. You’re
making my mouth water.”
“Then eat
something.”
I laughed when
my stomach growled. I guess her ploy to make me hungry worked. “I’ll eat as
soon as I get off this phone call.”
“Okay, let me
hang up so you can eat.”
“Don’t hang up,
Mom. I just wanted to find out if you and dad are coming to California anytime
soon.”
“We haven’t decided
yet. But you said you were planning on coming home soon.”
“Yes, I still
am. I just wanted a few things from my room, but they can wait. Is dad home?”
“Yes, in the
backyard. Let me call him.”
I heard my mom
yell, “Tom.”
Then a deeper
voice took over.
“Hello, Emma,”
“Dad!” I
answered excitedly. It felt good to hear his voice.
“How are you?”
“I’m good. Just
wanted to say hi, it’s been a while.”
“Yes, it has.
But I trust your filming is going well?”
“Yes, we’re done,
even with the reshoots.”
“Good. So how
will it work? Will you come home since you’re done or will you be needed for
something else?”
“Not exactly. I
don’t want to take a break now. I have to go on auditions if I want more jobs.”
“But you’ll visit
us soon?”
“Yes, Dad. When
I confirm the interview and promotion schedules, then I’ll let you and mom know
when to expect me.”
“Okay. So I hope
you’re not all alone. Get in touch with Valerie and do some fun things with
friends. Emma, good fun, not horrific things, please.”
I chuckled to
lighten his mood when I heard the worry in his voice. “I know, Dad. And no, I’m
not alone here.”
“That’s
wonderful to hear.”
It seemed like
he was going to say something else, but he didn’t. After some silence, he said,
“Take care of
yourself and be good. Don’t feed the media and don’t let them get under your
skin.”
“I’ll try, Dad.”
“That’s my girl.
Wait, and say bye to your mom.”
“Emma?”
“Yes, Mom, take
care.”
“Okay, dear.
Don’t wait for my texts before you call me and your dad. I know you’re busy,
but you have ten minutes in a day to spare.”
I laughed. “I’ll
be better at calling, Mom.”
“Eat something.”
“I will. Bye,
Mom.”
“Bye, dear.”
Phew!
That
went better than I expected. A text came in from Cindy while I was on the call
with my parents. It said, “Script here. Office 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.”
I
almost screamed. Did you hear that, Adam?
It’s the script. Cindy has the script! There is a movie that I’m interested
in. Cindy said that Ellie, my agent, thought I was too young for the part I
wanted, but she was going to help me with a shot at an audition. I was still
reeling from excitement when my phone rang. Reddy was calling.
Excuse me, I said, even though I felt a
tad weird for asking permission from Adam.
“Hi,”
I said, a bit surprised. If I was expecting a call from any of my co-stars, it
wasn’t Reddy. “What’s up?” I asked.
“Not
much. I just wanted to find out if you wanted to hang out with the gang
tonight. Since most of the crew members are still around and Brian and I
quickly put something together for a small house party at my place.”
Truth
be told, I didn’t want to or feel like hanging out with anyone. I just wanted
to stay home by myself. But I decided to find out more about the house party.
“What
time tonight?” I asked, even though I knew the time wouldn’t matter. I had
nothing to do, but I wanted to sound like I was busy and not a depressed and
slightly insane actress, who was talking to her dead boyfriend about her possible
next gig.
“It
starts at 9:00 p.m.”
“Okay,
umm, can I call you back later to confirm?”
“Sure,
that’s fine.” His voice dropped.
Oh, Reddy, I mused. “Reddy, I’ll make
sure I try my best to be there. It was nice to see everyone yesterday. I wished
we’d had the energy to chat afterward, so this party will be a great
opportunity to do it.” I actually meant what I said.
“Okay,”
he sounded reassured. “Er, Em,” he seemed to whisper, making me listen closely.
His girlfriend may be nearby, I thought. But there were no noises in the
background.
“Yeah,” I
responded.
“Preeti won’t be
attending. Just wanted to let you know.”
“Umm, okay. Well, it wouldn’t matter if
she’ll be there or not. I don’t have a problem with her.”
“Oh, wow, you’re the first person I’ve heard say that,” he chuckled.
“Oh, wow, you’re the first person I’ve heard say that,” he chuckled.
“That’s your
girlfriend you’re talking about, remember?”
“I know that,”
he snapped. “Some people don’t like her and I wanted to let you know that that
shouldn’t play into your decision to attend the party, that’s all.”
“Well, it
won’t,” I barked, not meaning for my voice to rise. I didn’t like the fact that
he was dating her and still talked like that about her. If he thought she was
unlikeable, why was he with her?
I heard him
sigh, “Em.”
I didn’t answer.
“Are you there?”
“Uhuh.”
He exhaled. “It
would be nice for all of us to be there. Some people asked if Preeti would show
up and if she did, they wouldn’t come. I told them she won’t be there. She’s
spending some quality with her sister.”
Silence.
“Gotcha,” I
said, eventually.
“She’s got a
strong personality,” he said.
“No kidding,” I
agreed.
“But that’s her
appeal,” he explained.
“Umm, okay, good
for you,” I answered.
He sighed.
“You know what?
See you at nine, Reddy.”
“Can’t wait,” he
responded.
I hung up. What was that about?
Reddy Sami and
Brian Wood were my co-stars in the Façade
movie. Reddy played the character, Theo, who fell in love with my character,
Cora, and wanted her to leave her job as an exotic dancer and focus on her schooling.
Theo was from a wealthy family, and surprisingly, his parents accepted Cora,
even when they became aware of her extra-curricular activities, which she
needed to pay for her education and livelihood. Later, she started feeling like
a charity case and didn’t seem to fit into Theo’s family. But her pimp didn’t
let go of her easily because she was one of the best employees he had. That’s
how Brian’s character, Toby, came into the picture.
Toby was the son
of Cora’s pimp, Mr. O. When he found out that Theo had been paying her extra
money for supposed private sessions, when she was actually using that time to
study, he was angry and jealous. He asked Cora for sexual favors, and a bribe
to keep his mouth shut so he wouldn’t say anything to his father.
I thought that
Brian played his character too well. Being a jealous, spoiled, son of a pimp,
Brian tended to terrify me sometimes with his imposing stature and dangerous
demeanor.
I enjoyed acting
with the two guys, but occasionally thought that they took things too far. In
one of the scenes, where there was a spat between Theo and Toby, Theo was
supposed to point to Cora, and call her the love of his life. But he, instead, had
walked to Cora and kissed her. Toby’d stomped toward both of us and separated
us with such force that Theo was almost sent flying halfway across the room and
landed on his back.
“Cut!” our
director, Jose Nato hollered.
“That was not
part of the scene,” Brian said, making a disgusted sound with his lips.
“I was in the
moment and improvised,” Reddy retorted angrily as he got up and straightened
himself.
Meanwhile, I was
planted where I had been, red faced, and confused about what had happened. I
knew that that wasn’t part of the scene, but I didn’t push Reddy away when he
kissed me or when Theo kissed Cora.
The argument
continued between both guys, even when Jose Nato tried to make them stop. I
felt tired instantly and stormed out of the set, walked into the restroom
beside the lobby and made sure I banged the door loudly.
It wasn’t only guilt
that made me leave the room. It was also the lack of professionalism between the
guys. I’d heard that if you caused trouble or you were difficult to work with in
this line of work, it was going to be remembered in future projects. At just
twenty five years old, Brian was hot, and popular with both younger and older
ladies, and wouldn’t have to worry about getting jobs in the nearest future. Reddy
had already sealed his heartthrob status in the industry with his charm and
suave attitude. What is their deal?
The problem was sometimes I couldn’t tell if they liked each other or not. One
minute, they’re acting like buddies, and the next minute, they’re giving each
other a cold shoulder.
I overheard one
of the lighting crew members say that Brian hit on Reddy’s on-and-off girlfriend,
Preeti Ko. While I didn’t subscribe to gossip, that move was classic Brian and
I believed it.
Speaking of
Preeti, I call her “the walking hot temper.” I have not seen any girl with
control issues like she has. My first encounter with her was when I was heading
to Craft Service to get some snacks and I overheard her in a heated
conversation with Reddy. She didn’t even acknowledge me when I passed by her
and Reddy. Her voice was still high and she seemed to be dictating terms. I
noticed she had a breathy way of speaking, like a whoosh of air comes out
whenever she uses words with digraphs. Reddy couldn’t even avert his eyes from
her. He was so attentive that he looked like a statue, a handsome statue.
I had to wait
for her bickering to stop before going out of Craft Service because there was
only one exit back to set and the couple was near it. She’d made me stuff so many
crackers and chips in my mouth just to use the crunchy sounds as I chewed, to
drown out her words.
Finally, I
didn’t hear a thing. I walked out of the building and slowly made my way back
to set, looking out for them, so I wouldn’t fall into any other awkward
encounter. Then I saw her sitting on a swing prop, and looking at her
cellphone. My first thought was, wow, her
hair is shiny. She was a lanky girl, a little above five feet, with brown
skin and very long straight black hair that fell on her back as she sat.
A man that I
didn’t recognize walked up to her and she raised up her head to talk to him.
She had a small oval face and high cheek bones. She showed a toothy grin when
she laughed. Then she looked away and suddenly her face changed. She definitely
was one who couldn’t hide her emotions. Reddy was walking out of the set,
laughing with a crew member. It was my cue to disappear.
When I found out
later that Preeti was twenty-three years old, two years older than Reddy, I
wrote off her bossiness as her being the older one in the relationship. But I wouldn’t take that attitude with my
boyfriend. Well, everyone has different tastes. I buried the boyfriend
thought as quickly as it came. No pun intended.
-----
I had taken a
long shower that I didn’t know I’d needed. I felt loosened after the long day.
I dressed up slowly in front of my dresser mirror, thinking. Time seemed to
have passed by quickly. I missed my parents and Eddie and Stella. Stella said
she was going to visit me soon. I would love to see her because it could get
pretty lonely when I wasn’t working, but then, I didn’t know if I really wanted
Stella’s endless chatter around me. There was something special about my quiet
time alone with just my thoughts.
Just like that,
I felt tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I was rubbing on the heart-shaped
pendant on my silver necklace that I had been wearing. It’s not right when the good ones leave this world. I exhaled
heavily, trying to get my composure back, and reminded myself that he wasn’t
far off if I wanted him around. I stubbornly told myself that it was his
physical self I wanted. I missed that part of him all the time. Am I being ungrateful? Some people don’t
get to see their loved ones after they die. Am
I really seeing him or am I conjuring an image that I want to see? I
quickly suppressed that thought as I felt the void open that I usually felt
when I thought of his not existing at all.
I didn’t succeed
with the suppression at night though. The nights were quiet, which made my mind
wander. Also, my dreams did not help. I saw his face all the time, smiling, and
saying funny things. I knew what he’d said had to have been funny because I was
always laughing hard in the dreams. But then, his tone would change and he
would say good bye. Not like someone going on a trip, but someone leaving your
life forever. It usually gave me chills and whenever I woke up, and it’d dawn
on me that he was truly gone, I would sulk. I would replay the dream over and
over and delete the ending. That was the only way I could go on with my day. Real
life sucked, but I had a life that I wanted to live and that life still had
Adam in it even though I couldn’t touch him.
I put on my grey
plaid shirt-dress and tucked in the pendant, feeling the cold metal rest on my
chest. I wore my hair down, shaking it like a dog shaking off water from its
fur. The volume of my hair was insane, but I wanted it that way. I missed the
makeup team from the movie set as I struggled to apply some eye shadow. Hayley,
one of the makeup artists, had given me quick lessons on how to apply
natural-looking makeup, but I’d never seemed to do well with my eyebrows. They
were always unequal. At least I was satisfied with the way I blended the eye-
shadow colors. Adam thought it looked nice.
It was nearly
8:45 p.m. when I was ready to go. I wanted to eat a quick bite, but that would
have to be done at the party. Reddy’s house was about forty minutes away from
mine. I was already running late, but hey, no rush. At least I was making an
effort to actually go out.
I wore flip-flops,
but took along my four-inch blue shoes as I made my way out of my apartment. A
couple was giggling when I came out to the entrance hall. I ignored them
because they seemed like they had eyes for only each other. Is it bad that I have no idea who my
neighbors are?
I walked into
the elevator, which smelled like someone who had been smoking there a few minutes
before. Eww.
I had goosebumps
on my arms for some reason as I walked out of the elevator. The parking garage
was quiet, nothing out of the ordinary. But I couldn’t help feeling afraid and
sped-walked to my car, jumping in, driving out faster than I should have.
-----
Reddy’s house
was lit brightly from the distance. As I drove closer, I could see people
through the glass walls. I made sure I parked without incident because cars
were parked carelessly in the compound. Here
goes.
“Emma.”
I heard a male voice call me as I was about to press the doorbell on the front
porch. It was the sound guy, one of the funny crew members.
“Hey,
Jeremy, how are you?”
“I’m
good, thanks,” he said, as he gave me an awkward hug. I was slightly taller
because of my high heels, so hand placements were everywhere.
Jeremy
only told jokes from afar, so coming close to me and then hugging me was a
surprise. I didn’t show any sign of my surprise though. I appreciated his carefree
attitude and didn’t want to lose that. I guess it was different when we were
off set and we didn’t think about actors versus crew members. I’d always felt
like we had different groups; the older actors, younger actors, the new actors,
familiar actors, and the crew members. I wasn’t close to the other female
actresses, except the older ones. They seemed too concerned about their
appearances as opposed to the people around them, so I gave them their space
and hung out with the guys who had many scenes with me, Reddy and Brian.
“The
door is open, go on in. I came out to make a call because I couldn’t hear over
the music,” he said to me, smiling shyly.
“Okay,
thanks. See you later.” I opened the door.
Drinks
were already held, eating had begun, and some people were swaying to the music.
The beat of the music made the house so lively that I smiled to myself, happy
that I’d come.
Someone
touched my waist and I turned around to see Reddy grinning at me. His marvelous
white, gap-toothed, wide smile, was so beautiful that I forgot to swat his
hands from their resting place. This was the first thing I would do if someone
held my waist, even before I saw who the person was. I hugged him and tried not
to feel guilty.
“Thanks
for inviting me,” I bent and said in his ear, since the music was too loud
where we stood.
“You
should actually thank Brian for the awesome idea,” he shouted, waving around
the room. Then he took a step back and let his eyes wander from my head to my
toe.
“You look tall,”
he said, looking at my feet.
“I brought out
the heels,” I shrugged.
“Well, I don’t
mind looking up to you,” he winked.
“Urgh, Reddy,
give me a break,” I rolled my eyes.
The party was in
his living room. They’d gotten rid of the furniture, leaving behind tables that
held food and soft drinks, and harder ones served at the bar. I knew where not
to go.
“It
seems like everyone is here,” I said, scanning the room.
“Yes,
most of us. I’m surprised, considering the short notice.”
“Well,
we all need a break, and booze for some. I’m sure that was all the incentive
they needed.”
He
laughed aloud. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me
too.” I agreed and I meant it. “Let me get something to eat,” I said to him,
pointing to the food table.
He
nodded. “I’ll be in the back patio. A few people are there swimming.”
Just
before he left, I asked if Jose Nato came. I wanted to thank him personally for
pushing me during some of the scenes because he had faith in my ability to give
more. But he wasn’t in attendance, unfortunately.
I
made my way to the food table and saw the most delicious looking bite-sized
roll. I picked up one and stuffed the whole thing in my mouth. I took another
one and turned to look around at the people who were present.
I
didn’t fail to see a girl who was blushing profusely as she talked to Reddy,
now opening the back door. Thank your
stars that Preeti isn’t here. It is easy to swoon over him. He reminds me of
the hot brooding guys in sad music videos because of his dark features and the
faint shadows under his eyes. But his personality couldn’t be more opposite.
I
remember reading an article about him and he was described as “a handsome
beauty.” The juxtaposition was accurate. Reddy could make people flustered when
they looked at him because they were trying to understand how all the elements
of his features came together.
He has thick
black hair that is always perfectly coifed. Sometimes I think he’s all hair
because he has a narrow face with so much hair. He is a slim, toned guy, probably
about five feet eleven. His best body part, to me, is his face. He has large
brown eyes, with that slight stain of shadows underneath them, maybe due to
less sleep or just natural. I envy his clean shaped upward slanted full
eyebrows, which he swears have never been waxed or tweezed. His facial
features, the hollows and sharp edges, make shadows fall on his face all the
time so that his nose always appears smaller than it really is. He has a tiny
mole on the right side of his upper lip and not to forget his beautiful gap
tooth, of course. He’s one of those guys with longer necks and prominent Adam’s
apple that bobs all the time. That thing used to gross me out the first time I
met him. He bites the right side of his full bottom lips out of habit, mostly
when he’s thinking. I like that he is soft spoken and has good manners, but his
overuse of big words make him come off as pretentious, sometimes. I also think
he’s too touchy and doesn’t realize it. Maybe that’s why Preeti always seems
annoyed, because she doesn’t know if he is flirting, or just being himself.
I’m perceptive. I noticed these things about
him because we worked closely and not because I am interested in him in any
way. Just as I finished a crab cake and licked my fingers, I felt eyes on
me and turned. It was Brian, looking at me and not pretending at all. He smiled
slightly, took a gulp of his beer and started making his way to me. I started
to shift, not knowing why I felt uncomfortable. It’s just Brian. He was interrupted by a girl before he got to me.
I exhaled audibly, and mentally psyched myself to relax.
Brian
can be a source of discomfort to me sometimes and I can’t exactly explain why.
He has two personalities that I’ve noticed and I’m not a fan of that behavior.
He showed a different side to the crew while we filmed and I was shocked for
days when I saw that side of him. He’s known to be the young heartbreaker, who
doesn’t deny that he knows how good looking he is. He became well-known in the movie
industry when he was eighteen and has never kept a girl for more than six
months.
I’d
always applauded his acting skills on set because he was very good, but only
started interacting more with him when I noticed that he had a different side
to his personality. I couldn’t believe he was the same person. Then he’d explained
the reason why he had a separate public persona and I’d thought it was stupid. “You
can’t be a douche just because you want a long career,” I’d said to him. I
wondered what would happen when he decided to settle down and start a family
and then found out that women didn’t want a real relationship with him because
they didn’t trust him.
Presently,
he doesn’t have problems with the ladies at all. He doesn’t even need to announce
his presence. Anyone could sense it when he showed up at a place. No, I don’t
mean his cologne that I think should be diluted. He comes from a military
background and has a super straight posture and thick muscled build. He is imposing
and I think his commanding demeanor is rare for his age. Maybe that’s why the
older ladies fall for him, too.
That
same article that talked about Reddy said that “if a handsome Duke and a
daunting warrior had a baby, it would be Brian.” He is six feet, two inches
tall, and has one of the coolest haircuts. I hear that he keeps the identity of
his barber a secret. His dark brown hair is shaved on both sides and the top
look as though every strand was measured when cut. They rest nicely and seem to
take their place perfectly. I know I’m
creepy for noticing this detail. I’m sure I’m not the only one. He has long
lashes that I noticed when we had an intimate scene together. Those deep set
green eyes of his have been looking peculiarly at me recently, as though I have
done something wrong. Anyway, his eyebrows are shaped like he’s always curious
and there is a slight dent near the base of his nose, like a piece is missing,
but there is no scar to prove it. His cheek bones are more prominent when he
bites the inner walls of his mouth, something I noticed he does when thinking
of what to say. Also, I noticed that when we’re being interviewed, he tends to
scratch his chin a lot as he thinks of answers, or maybe the scratching is due
to the facial scruff he keeps, which I think is a great look on him compared to
his clean-shaven look for our movie. I won’t fail to mention his famous cleft
chin, the money maker, like Jose Nato calls it. Brian’s face would look
completely different without it, I think.
I
like his smile, when it’s sweet and not smirking. He has thin lips that tend to
make him look stern, but that disappears when he smiles, which he does almost
always because of what he knows it does to the ladies. He gets on my nerve when
he uses his super-fake deep voice that cracks on the edges. He uses it when
he’s trying to be charming to girls and they sigh all the time. Absurd. I don’t think it would make any
difference to the girls if he uses his real voice. Why do I even care? I cleared my throat as I stopped where my
thought was going because I was beginning to feel a tinge of my usual guilt.
I
saw his hand that was on the girl’s shoulder, making its way down, and down, and
ending up on the back of her jean pocket. Whatever he was telling her made her
look like she was melting. Her face was cherry bright and she had already
closed the little gap between them, so that their faces were now uncomfortably
close. Okay, time to look away. I
turned around and found the drink table.
A
girl standing beside the table, took a bottle of sparkling cider from an ice
bucket and was slowly peeling the cap. She noticed me come by and looked up.
“Hi,”
I said to her. I remembered her face. She was one of the exotic dancers in Façade. She smiled at me.
“Hi,
Emma Kaz, having fun?” she asked, nodding to the dance floor.
“Yeah,
it’s nice.”
“No,
it’s not. It’s boring,” she countered.
“Oh.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“The
music is good. The food is good. The booze is great. But we’re all here
pretending like we like each other. Some of us are here only because it’s a
party full of popular people. We are here so we can hear about the next big
thing from a drunken celebrity. The party looked promising when Reddy Sami and
Brian Wood made their mushy speeches about owing it to everyone for bringing
their A-game to work. Telling us that they didn’t realize how much they missed
us until we got together for the reshoot. I almost believed their sentimentality
for a second. Look around, we’re all faking it. ”
I
was tempted to come back with a harsher comment, but I had to admit that she
had a point. I would have liked to hear those speeches, but I had arrived late.
I looked around, and sure, most people were either hugging the glass walls or
drinking at the bar. Some were in the corner holding their drinks and some were
just randomly dancing by themselves. Only a few guys were striking
conversations with some girls. The others were in groups, not talking to each
other, but standing closely. I guess making conversation would be hard with the
loudness of the music.
She
poured the drink in a glass with ice and gave it to me.
“Thanks.”
“Well,
I’m glad you think the party is nice,” she sneered.
I
looked down. She had taken one step and then stopped.
“Do
you even know my name?”
I
looked at her, unable to answer.
She
shook her head and walked away, strutting with purpose and showing off her
figure, the reason why she was the girl who was chosen to work the poles in the
movie.
I
was so distraught that the air in the room became thick and I needed to get
myself some fresh air.
My hand was on the door handle, but a
larger hand stopped mine from opening it.
“What?”
I almost blasted Brian’s eardrums with the way I hollered. A girl I remembered
from Craft Service because of the way she ate her spicy Cheetos noisily,
moaning because of how good it tasted, rolled her eyes at us.
“Not
there,” he said and took my hands, leading me to the front door instead.
I
pulled my hands away from his grip, but he placed his hand on to the small of
my back as he opened the front door, as though wanting to make sure that I
didn’t change directions. We went out to the front porch. I welcomed the fresh
air, realizing how hot the house had been.
“Why
couldn’t I go out there?” I looked up to Brian, not seeing his eyes which were
shadowed. He looked eerily robotic and slightly creepy.
“Just,”
he exhaled, “there were things going on there and I didn’t want you to get
involved.”
“Brian,
whatever Reddy is doing out there in the pool is none of my business. Preeti is
the one he has to answer to. I just needed fresh air.”
He
smiled, which was enough to dissolve his hardened stance. He shook his head.
“I’m not talking about Reddy possibly doing things with girls out there.” He
looked around to make sure we were alone. The closest person to us was standing
quite far away, near the parked cars and talking on his cellphone.
When
he felt satisfied that it was clear to talk, he said, “some people out there
are using substances and you don’t want to be anywhere near, just in case.
He
didn’t finish his thought, but I knew what he meant.
“And
Reddy, too?” I shrieked.
“No,”
he answered in a hushed tone.
“Then
why is he allowing it?” I asked, feeling incredulous.
“It’s
a party, Emma.”
I
looked at Brian with my mouth hung open, disbelieving the reason he just gave
me. Really?
“That’s
how you guys party? I’m out of here.”
“Wait,”
he said, holding on to my arm. His grip wasn’t tight, but I couldn’t pull out
of it when I tried. He noticed my alarm and released me immediately.
“For
what? You know how risky this is. I already have a lot to deal with, Brian. I
won’t be stupid enough to be here when I know what’s going on.”
“You’re
right. Just before you go, Reddy wanted to invite you to a get-together next
week Saturday. It’s kind of important because he’ll be announcing something and
it’s only going to be for close friends. Nothing like today’s party and” he
lowered his voice, “substance-free.”
I
started to shake my head. “I don’t think I –”
“Emma,
it’s very important, please. He wanted to invite you personally, but since he’s
preoccupied right now…”
I
cut in. “You are certain that it’s not going to be like today’s party?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,
I’ll show up. Tell him to text me the invite.”
He
beamed, making me wonder if the get-together was his idea again. I didn’t ask
because I couldn’t wait to leave Reddy’s property.
“Let
me walk you to your car,” He said.
I
stopped and raised my hand to feel Brian’s forehead. “Are you sure you’re
okay?” I asked, putting on a serious expression.
He
frowned. “Why?”
“Because
you’re not behaving like the real Brian,” I said.
Understanding
dawned on him. He rolled his eyes. “Let’s go.”
I
didn’t give him my hand when he opened his. Call me paranoid, but I wasn’t
willing to give anyone anything to gossip about. Brian acted cool and just
dropped his hands on his side and escorted me quietly to my car.
“Preeti
will be there, right?”
He
chuckled. “I’m not sure.”
“Hmm.”
“You
know she’s intimated by you, right?”
“Sheesh.
That girl cannot be intimated by a hungry lion.”
He
laughed aloud.
“Thanks,”
I said to him as I opened my car door.
He
nodded and turned back toward the house. I watched his brawny figure depart,
back straight and arms hanging as though they couldn’t touch his sides. I
waited until he reached the front porch before starting the car and driving away.
-----
I took off my
shoes and wore my flip-flops, locked my car and walked briskly to the elevator.
I had no clue why I felt uncomfortable in the garage, but I didn’t question my
gut and did the wise thing, leave as quickly as possible. After waiting for
some time in the garage for the elevator that refused to descend, I decided to
take the stairs. I huffed and puffed as I fetched my keys to open my apartment
door. Three floors were no easy feat for anyone to climb. I closed my door and
walked straight to the refrigerator. I didn’t get as much to eat at the party
as I had planned. A hot pocket would have
to do. I popped it into the microwave as I made my way to the bedroom to
change my clothes. A text message came in.
I
hissed in irritation.
“Hey Em, I’m so, so sorry for not spending
more time with you. I had no idea that you weren’t staying for long…so sorry.
Brian said he already told you about next week…sending you the invite now.
Red.”
I
heard another beep just as I finished reading the text from Reddy. Sighing, I
opened it. It was a plain white invite with large blue texts that said,
“Get
Together – RSVP.”
I
clicked the “yes” button and put down my phone.
After
throwing on a large T-shirt, I strolled to the kitchen to fetch my hot pocket
from the microwave.
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